Amusing Ambiguities

Amusing Ambiguities

HEADLINES

Supposed Actual Newspaper Headlines

  • Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  • Farmer Bill Dies in House
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
  • Stud Tires Out
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
  • Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  • Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf
  • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  • Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  • Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • Miners Refuse to Work After Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  • Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  • Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in '84
  • War Dims Hopes for Peace
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  • Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  • Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  • Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  • Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  • British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  • Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  • Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  • Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  • Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  • Air Head Fired
  • Steals Clock, Faces Time
  • Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
  • Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni
  • Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary; Hundreds Dead

    From Church Newsletters

  • Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

  • Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

  • Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

  • Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."



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